Why do we hate seagulls? Maybe because they’re a lot like us.
They’re loud, greedy, invasive, polluting and aggressive. They eat anything that moves and most things that don’t. Hate them if you will, but seagulls are 100% badass. Here are the secrets to their astounding success.
1. Communicate. Loudly.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. “They screech and they squawk; you call that communicating?” Actually, yes. We may not be sure what they’re saying, but clearly they’ve got something on their minds. Stop and listen next time, and try to note down what you hear. It’ll be a call note or a long call, or a choke call, or an anxiety call, or a mew, a head toss, a copulation call (would that be a booty call?), an attack call or a departure call. I’ve recently learned to recognize the alarm call. It’s a lot like their other calls, but there’s a certain urgency to it. Hear the call, look up, see a bald eagle. Every time. It’s pretty cool.
And I can personally attest to the uniqueness of the copulation call. I witnessed it all spring- it kind of goes ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew. Once you learn it, you’ll recognize it a mile away. Follow it to the source and you’ll see two gulls copulating, guaranteed—followed shortly after by post-copulation calling. It kind of goes, “What, that’s it?”
Gulls are social creatures. Kind of like us, in fact. Most of the time, they act like they can’t stand each other. They squabble, they posture, they fight, they eat each other’s eggs… but deep down, they know they need each other. There’s an understanding among gulls, an uneasy peace that’s built on a strict code of status and seniority. The top gulls, usually the most mature, probably get the best real estate at the centre of the colony. That way, when the predators come by to do their plundering, the poor lower-status saps get eaten first.
But here’s the thing: with all that tension and rivalry, they know when to band together. When the eagles attack, or the foxes charge in, a disciplined white air force takes wing, diving, screeching, and shite-bombingall intruders like a well-oiled machine. Shock and awe.
So cooperate. Remember who your friends are. And don’t forget, when things get tough, you can always eat the neighbour’s children.
I once knew a veterinarian who worked a lot with endangered species. She said that every species on the brink of extinction had a damn good reason for being there: they’re fussy feeders, they freeze to death in a stiff breeze, they only breed every third new moon of a leap year, and so on.
Gulls, on the other hand, are easy to please. Here in Vancouver, back in the day, our gulls would only nest on certain rocky islands offshore. Pricey real estate, as you can imagine, if you’re a gull. So around 1970 or so, they decided to branch out. The early adopters, the hipsters of the gull world if you will, moved to the mainland. Suddenly everybody had to do it, and their breeding success skyrocketed. Not long after, another gull pioneer had the bright idea of nesting on our flat apartment rooftops, which are basically artificial islands, just as secure as the old-school rocky ones. Dumb like a fox, these birds.
Click the link to read the rest!
if you’re ever with a group of people and everyone is arguing loudly about many different things just yell I WILL TAKE IT! I WILL TAKE THE RING TO MORDOR!
I DID THIS DURING OUR LANGUAGE ARTS DEBATE AND MY TEACHER SLOWLY GOT UP FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM AND WALKED BEHIND HER DESK AND THEN I GOT FREE CANDY FROM MY TEACHER
I love how Tumblr teaches us how to be perfect criminals.
Also, if you’re burying a full body, make sure you bury them vertically. Satellites orbiting earth look for holes that are approx. 6ft long because that’s suspicious. Ideally though, drain your body of fluids in a tub ((mix fluids with bleach and let them soak before draining and take precautions to keep your house from smelling like death from your sink and whatnot. Draining the body also keeps decomp at bay a bit and makes it easier to portion)) and cut it to bits. It’s easier to bury a head than a whole body, and takes less time so you don’t have to tell your neighbors, “Oh, I’m night gardening!”
Also, if a dog happens across it, it’s more likely it will devour a single body part than all of your ex-husband.
Another method is to put it into a septic tank. They’re a plethora of bacteria, and the smell of waste covers the smell of decomposition very well.
You should also destroy all teeth, massacre the face and burn fingerprints/remove finger tips to keep from identifying by anything other than DNA.
…I didn’t come up with these ideas, just what I’ve gleaned from reading on the internet.
i used to joke about Tumblr teaching us how to get away with murder, but fuck, man
the thing is when i see this i want to go kill a man just because i have the knowledge
Remember when you’re at the crime scene to wipe down all surfaces and then take the victims hands and touch things with them. Pick up cups and run the hands along table tops. A room with zero fingerprints is very suspicious.
If you live near the ocean you can drain the body and cut up the cadaver into small pieces then mix it all together with fish parts and dispose of it easily by pretending to chum the water for fish and sharks. Actually do chum the water a bit before dumping in your victim to be sure there are plenty of hungry fish around. Stick around and fish for a while so anyone who happens to see you won’t get suspicious. This way you don’t have any body parts lying around waiting to be dug up and identified. Plus you might catch a marlin or something.
PLUS YOU MIGHT CATCH A MARLIN
I AFDGFHGKJHKHGFDSF I AM DONE
Don’t forget that the chances of being caught are greatly reduced if you murder someone who has no connection to you at all. Most murderers end up killing someone they know in some fashion, so they’re easily caught. Serial killers kill at random, hence why they can kill a lot before they screw up.
I am not a serial killer, honest.
I am seriously concerned for all of you
please don’t judge me for tagging this for future reference, IT’S FOR PURELY FICTIONAL PURPOSES OK
I’M PRETTY SURE THE NEXT TIME I SEE THIS POST, ADVICE ON BURYING BODIES WILL ADD UP UNTIL IT SUFFICES TO BE COMPILED AS A HANDBOOK
How to kill a bitch: a guide by tumblr
I have faith that tumblr users are smart enough to only use this guide when someone genuinely deserves it- go forth my children and murder well.
Socializing is as exhausting as giving blood. People assume we loners are misanthropes just sitting thinking, ‘Oh, people are such a bunch of assholes,’ but it’s really not like that. We just have a smaller tolerance for what it takes to be with others. It means having to perform. I get so tired of communicating.”
— Anneli Rufus (via bonvivantx)